Orientations Page 7

  At length they came to a canal gliding towards the sea; they followed it inland, and here the darkness was equal to the silence. Great trees that had been planted when William of Orange was king in England threw their shade over the water, shutting out the stars. They wandered along on the soft earth, they could not hear themselves walk--and they did not speak.

  They came to a bridge over the canal and stood on it, looking at the water and the trees above them, and the water and the trees below them--and they did not speak.

  Then out of the darkness came another darkness, and gradually loomed forth the heaviness of a barge. Noiselessly it glided down the stream, very slowly; at the end of it a boy stood at the tiller, steering; and it passed beneath them and beyond, till it lost itself in the night, and again they were alone.

  They stood side by side, leaning against the parapet, looking down at the water.... And from the water rose up Love, and Love fluttered down from the trees, and Love was borne along upon the night air. Ferdinand did not know what was happening to him; he felt Valentia by his side, and he drew closer to her, till her dress touched his legs and the silk of her sleeve rubbed against his arm. It was so dark that he could not see her face; he wondered of what she was thinking. She made a little movement and to him came a faint wave of the scent she wore. Presently two forms passed by on the bank and they saw a lover with his arm round a girl's waist, and then they too were hidden in the darkness. Ferdinand trembled as he spoke.

  'Only Love is waking!'

  'And we!' she said.

  'And--you!'

  He wondered why she said nothing. Did she understand? He put his hand on her arm.

  'Valentia!'

  He had never called her by her Christian name before. She turned her face towards him.

  'What do you mean?'

  'Oh, Valentia, I love you! I can't help it.'

  A sob burst from her.

  'Didn't you understand,' he said, 'all those hours that I sat for you while you painted, and these long nights in which we wandered by the water?'

  'I thought you were my friend.'

  'I thought so too. When I sat before you and watched you paint, and looked at your beautiful hair and your eyes, I thought I was your friend. And I looked at the lines of your body beneath your dress. And when it pleased me to carry your easel and walk with you, I thought it was friendship. Only to-night I know I am in love. Oh, Valentia, I am so glad!'

  She could not keep back her tears. Her bosom heaved, and she wept.

  'You are a woman,' he said. 'Did you not see?'

  'I am so sorry,' she said, her voice all broken. 'I thought we were such good friends. I was so happy. And now you have spoilt it all.'

  'Valentia, I love you.'

  'I thought our friendship was so good and pure. And I felt so strong in it. It seemed to me so beautiful.'

  'Did you think I was less a man than the fisherman you see walking beneath the trees at night?'

  'It is all over now,' she sighed.

  'What do you mean?'

  'I can't stay here with you alone.'

  'You're not going away?'

  'Before, there was no harm in our being together at the hotel; but now--'

  'Oh, Valentia, don't leave me. I can't--I can't live without you.'

  She heard the unhappiness in his voice. She turned to him again and laid her two hands on his shoulders.

  'Why can't you forget it all, and let us be good friends again? Forget that you are a man. A woman can remain with a man for ever, and always be content to walk and read and talk with him, and never think of anything else. Can you forget it, Ferdinand? You will make me so happy.'

  He did not answer, and for a long time they stood on the bridge in silence. At last he sighed--a heartbroken sigh.

  'Perhaps you're right. It may be better to pretend that we are friends. If you like, we will forget all this.'

  Her heart was too full; she could not answer; but she held out her hands to him. He took them in his own, and, bending down, kissed them.

  Then they walked home, side by side, without speaking.

  V

  Next morning Valentia received M. Rollo's answer to her letter. He apologised for his delay in answering.

  'You are a philosopher,' he said--she could see the little snigger with which he had written the words--'You are a philosopher, and I was afraid lest my reply should disturb the course of your reflections on friendship. I confess that I did not entirely understand your letter, but I gathered that the sentiments were correct, and it gave me great pleasure to know that your experiment has had such excellent results. I gather that you have not yet discovered that there is more than a verbal connection between Friendship and Love.'

  The reference is to the French equivalents of those states of mind.

  'But to speak seriously, dear child. You are young and beautiful now, but not so very many years shall pass before your lovely skin becomes coarse and muddy, and your teeth yellow, and the wrinkles appear about your mouth and eyes. You have not so very many years before you in which to collect sensations, and the recollection of one's loves is, perhaps, the greatest pleasure left to one's old age. To be virtuous, my dear, is admirable, but there are so many interpretations of virtue. For myself, I can say that I have never regretted the temptations to which I succumbed, but often the temptations I have resisted. Therefore, love, love, love! And remember that if love at sixty in a man is sometimes pathetic, in a woman at forty it is always ridiculous. Therefore, take your youth in both hands and say to yourself, "Life is short, but let me live before I die!"'

  She did not show the letter to Ferdinand.

  * * * * *

  Next day it rained. Valentia retired to a room at the top of the house and began to paint, but the incessant patter on the roof got on her nerves; the painting bored her, and she threw aside the brushes in disgust. She came downstairs and found Ferdinand in the dining-room, standing at the window looking at the rain. It came down in one continual steady pour, and the water ran off the raised brickwork of the middle of the street to the gutters by the side, running along in a swift and murky rivulet. The red brick of the opposite house looked cold and cheerless in the wet.... He did not turn or speak to her as she came in. She remarked that it did not look like leaving off. He made no answer. She drew a chair to the second window and tried to read, but she could not understand what she was reading. And she looked out at the pouring rain and the red brick house opposite. She wondered why he had not answered.

  The innkeeper brought them their luncheon. Ferdinand took no notice of the preparations.

  'Will you come to luncheon, Mr White?' she said to him. 'It is quite ready.'

  'I beg your pardon,' he said gravely, as he took his seat.

  He looked at her quickly, and then immediately dropping his eyes, began eating. She wished he would not look so sad; she was very sorry for him.

  She made an observation and he appeared to rouse himself. He replied and they began talking, very calmly and coldly, as if they had not known one another five minutes. They talked of Art with the biggest of A's, and they compared Dutch painting with Italian; they spoke of Rembrandt and his life.

  'Rembrandt had passion,' said Ferdinand, bitterly, 'and therefore he was unhappy. It is only the sexless, passionless creature, the block of ice, that can be happy in this world.'

  She blushed and did not answer.

  The afternoon Valentia spent in her room, pretending to write letters, and she wondered whether Ferdinand was wishing her downstairs.

  At dinner they sought refuge in abstractions. They talked of dykes and windmills and cigars, the history of Holland and its constitution, the constitution of the United States and the edifying spectacle of the politics of that blessed country. They talked of political economy and pessimism and cattle rearing, the state of agriculture in England, the foreign policy of the day, Anarchism, the President of the French Republic. They would have talked of bi-metallism if they could. People hearing th
em would have thought them very learned and extraordinarily staid.

  At last they separated, and as she undressed Valentia told herself that Ferdinand had kept his promise. Everything was just as it had been before, and the only change was that he used her Christian name. And she rather liked him to call her Valentia.

  But next day Ferdinand did not seem able to command himself. When Valentia addressed him, he answered in monosyllables, with eyes averted; but when she had her back turned, she felt that he was looking at her. After breakfast she went away painting haystacks, and was late for luncheon.

  She apologised.

  'It is of no consequence,' he said, keeping his eyes on the ground. And those were the only words he spoke to her during the remainder of the day. Once, when he was looking at her surreptitiously, and she suddenly turned round, their eyes met, and for a moment he gazed straight at her, then walked away. She wished he would not look so sad. As she was going to bed, she held out her hand to him to say good-night, and she added,--

  'I don't want to make you unhappy, Mr White. I'm very sorry.'

  'It's not your fault,' he said. 'You can't help it, if you're a stock and a stone.'

  He went away without taking the proffered hand. Valentia cried that night.

  In the morning she found a note outside her door:--

  'Pardon me if I was rude, but I was not master of myself. I am going to Volendam; I hate Monnickendam.'

  VI

  Ferdinand arrived at Volendam. It was a fishing village, only three miles across country from Monnickendam, but the route, by steam tram and canal, was so circuitous, that, with luggage, it took one two hours to get from place to place. He had walked over there with Valentia, and it had almost tempted them to desert Monnickendam. Ferdinand took a room at the hotel and walked out, trying to distract himself. The village consisted of a couple of score of houses, built round a semi-circular dyke against the sea, and in the semi-circle lay the fleet of fishing boats. Men and women were sitting at their doors mending nets. He looked at the fishermen, great, sturdy fellows, with rough, weather-beaten faces, huge earrings dangling from their ears. He took note of their quaint costume--black stockings and breeches, the latter more baggy than a Turk's, and the crushed strawberry of their high jackets, cut close to the body. He remembered how he had looked at them with Valentia, and the group of boys and men that she had sketched. He remembered how they walked along, peeping into the houses, where everything was spick and span, as only a Dutch cottage can be, with old Delft plates hanging on the walls, and pots and pans of polished brass. And he looked over the sea to the island of Marken, with its masts crowded together, like a forest without leaf or branch. Coming to the end of the little town he saw the church of Monnickendam, the red steeple half-hidden by the trees. He wondered where Valentia was--what she was doing.

  But he turned back resolutely, and, going to his room, opened his books and began reading. He rubbed his eyes and frowned, in order to fix his attention, but the book said nothing but Valentia. At last he threw it aside and took his Plato and his dictionary, commencing to translate a difficult passage, word for word. But whenever he looked up a word he could only see Valentia, and he could not make head or tail of the Greek. He threw it aside also, and set out walking. He walked as hard as he could--away from Monnickendam.

  The second day was not quite so difficult, and he read till his mind was dazed, and then he wrote letters home and told them he was enjoying himself tremendously, and he walked till he felt his legs dropping off.

  Next morning it occurred to him that Valentia might have written. Trembling with excitement, he watched the postman coming down the street--but he had no letter for Ferdinand. There would be no more post that day.

  But the next day Ferdinand felt sure there would be a letter for him; the postman passed by the hotel door without stopping. Ferdinand thought he should go mad. All day he walked up and down his room, thinking only of Valentia. Why did she not write?

  The night fell and he could see from his window the moon shining over the clump of trees about Monnickendam church--he could stand it no longer. He put on his hat and walked across country; the three miles were endless; the church and the trees seemed to grow no nearer, and at last, when he thought himself close, he found he had a bay to walk round, and it appeared further away than ever.

  He came to the mouth of the canal along which he and Valentia had so often walked. He looked about, but he could see no one. His heart beat as he approached the little bridge, but Valentia was not there. Of course she would not come out alone. He ran to the hotel and asked for her. They told him she was not in. He walked through the town; not a soul was to be seen. He came to the church; he walked round, and then--right at the edge of the trees--he saw a figure sitting on a bench.

  * * * * *

  She was dressed in the same flowered dress which she had worn when he likened her to a Dresden shepherdess; she was looking towards Volendam.

  He went up to her silently. She sprang up with a little shriek.

  'Ferdinand!'

  'Oh, Valentia, I cannot help it. I could not remain away any longer. I could do nothing but think of you all day, all night. If you knew how I loved you! Oh, Valentia, have pity on me! I cannot be your friend. It's all nonsense about friendship; I hate it. I can only love you. I love you with all my heart and soul, Valentia.'

  She was frightened.

  'Oh! how can you stand there so coldly and watch my agony? Don't you see? How can you be so cold?'

  'I am not cold, Ferdinand,' she said, trembling. 'Do you think I have been happy while you were away?'

  'Valentia!'

  'I thought of you, too, Ferdinand, all day, all night. And I longed for you to come back. I did not know till you went that--I loved you.'

  'Oh, Valentia!'

  He took her in his arms and pressed her passionately to him.

  'No, for God's sake!'

  She tore herself away. But again he took her in his arms, and this time he kissed her on the mouth. She tried to turn her face away.

  'I shall kill myself, Ferdinand!'

  'What do you mean?'

  'In those long hours that I sat here looking towards you, I felt I loved you--I loved you as passionately as you said you loved me. But if you came back, and--anything happened--I swore that I would throw myself in the canal.'

  He looked at her.

  'I could not--live afterwards,' she said hoarsely. 'It would be too horrible. I should be--oh, I can't think of it!'

  He took her in his arms again and kissed her.

  'Have mercy on me!' she cried.

  'You love me, Valentia.'

  'Oh, it is nothing to you. Afterwards you will be just the same as before. Why cannot men love peacefully like women? I should be so happy to remain always as we are now, and never change. I tell you I shall kill myself.'

  'I will do as you do, Valentia.'

  'You?'

  'If anything happens, Valentia,' he said gravely, 'we will go down to the canal together.'

  She was horrified at the idea; but it fascinated her.

  'I should like to die in your arms,' she said.

  For the second time he bent down and took her hands and kissed them. Then she went alone into the silent church, and prayed.

  VII

  They went home. Ferdinand was so pleased to be at the hotel again, near her. His bed seemed so comfortable; he was so happy, and he slept, dreaming of Valentia.

  The following night they went for their walk, arm in arm; and they came to the canal. From the bridge they looked at the water. It was very dark; they could not hear it flow. No stars were reflected in it, and the trees by its side made the depth seem endless. Valentia shuddered. Perhaps in a little while their bodies would be lying deep down in the water. And they would be in one another's arms, and they would never be separated. Oh, what a price it was to pay! She looked tearfully at Ferdinand, but he was looking down at the darkness beneath them, and he was intensely grave.


  And they wandered there by day and looked at the black reflection of the trees. And in the heat it seemed so cool and restful....

  They abandoned their work. What did pictures and books matter now? They sauntered about the meadows, along shady roads; they watched the black and white cows sleepily browsing, sometimes coming to the water's edge to drink, and looking at themselves, amazed. They saw the huge-limbed milkmaids come along with their little stools and their pails, deftly tying the cow's hind legs that it might not kick. And the steaming milk frothed into the pails and was poured into huge barrels, and as each cow was freed, she shook herself a little and recommenced to browse.

  And they loved their life as they had never loved it before.

  One evening they went again to the canal and looked at the water, but they seemed to have lost their emotions before it. They were no longer afraid. Ferdinand sat on the parapet and Valentia leaned against him. He bent his head so that his face might touch her hair. She looked at him and smiled, and she almost lifted her lips. He kissed them.

  'Do you love me, Ferdinand?'

  He gave the answer without words.

  Their faces were touching now, and he was holding her hands. They were both very happy.

  'You know, Ferdinand,' she whispered, 'we are very foolish.'

  'I don't care.'

  'Monsieur Rollo said that folly was the chief attribute of man.'

  'What did he say of love?'

  'I forget.'

  Then, after a pause, he whispered in her ear,--

  'I love you!'

  And she held up her lips to him again.

  'After all,' she said, 'we're only human beings. We can't help it. I think--'